Saturday, March 22, 2014

Here, and Awake.

I'm looking for the people who've got the feeling I'm afraid to lose, who are afraid they'll lose it, too. Do you know what I mean? I'm talking gold dust on the flower petals in the spring, sunlight you can touch kind of shit, but you can't get there with a drug. Less of a rush and more of a slow climb, I am looking for the people with the yes still in their fists, or, better yet, two open palms.

Are you out there, too? Is it more to you, than being young? Don't you feel like it won't die, this need to learn, and feel, and engage, but only bulk up and away? 20 years old, this is only the beginning, I can't wait to be alive when I've figured even more shit out. And by figured even more shit out, I mean, unfigured more shit out-- abandoned more of the old ideas that keep me from living authentically, so in each new experience, I'm born all over again. Forgive me for the oddly religious imagery, but, maybe there's a reason for that.

The idea that there's a point to what happens, to everything, that it's taking you somewhere. Do you know what I mean? Can you sense when the world spins with extra weight? Selfishness as caring for what happens to yourself, to paying attention to it all the time, to building it consciously into something worthy, and then, letting it do its thing, releasing control for the night. In the morning, you wake up, open eyes, start again.

Do you love the way she moves? Or maybe he moves, but, fuck, the way SHE moves. And I don't mean in the corner of some dingy bar, wasted out of her mind, lost to a warped reality you could never really be a part of anyway, dancing on stale beer, no. I'm talking the way she moves in the afternoon, around her kitchen, washing dishes, limp wrists as she's pouring out soap, shoulders tense up as she shoves the sponge into the plates, patiently wiping the fronts and backs of her hands on the towel hanging from the shelf below. The slow way she remembers you're sitting behind her, the slow way she smiles when she remembers the way you watch her. Do you worship the human body alive, the way I do? Does it make you want to write, or sing, something?

Do you want to be awake? Would you throw yourself into uncomfortable social situations repeatedly, in hopes of finding a friend who thinks the same? So you can get together, talk, and create? Do you want the imagery to come back to your mind? Do you want a partner in the digging? We are getting farther from childlike wonder all the time, but I'm not about to lose it, now. Come crawling through the darkness with me to find the splotches of light left in our ransacked minds, because that's what we did, we ransacked them-- with bags of weed and vodka shots and Facebook likes, with too much time with people who were too little, who didn't care the right way, with apathy, with self-harm in all its forms, with wasted potential and wasted time. We can't afford to lose any more of ourselves to a failure to focus.

Be here with me. I want to be here, and awake. Are you awake the way that I am? Let me know. It's good, and important, but it's lonely.

Seeking other open-minded, self-conscious, and creative folk, with a dedication to ultimate kindness and sacrifice, when the time is right.

The Go-To List.

Okay, so let's say you're having a perfectly normal evening, just hanging out by yourself, eating some plain cheese because that's all you have left in your fridge even though it doesn't expire till July, and then some shit happens. I don't know what this shit it, but some of it happens. You probably saw something on someone's SnapChat story you didn't want to see. Your friend bailed on your plans for the day. All of your exes got together and had a party to celebrate not dating you anymore and put all the pictures up on Facebook. Whatever the reason, tonight sucks, and you now feel physical pain above the spot where your actual heart is. The fact that this heart pain is purely psychosomatic only makes you resent yourself more deeply.

We all have nights like this. Or, at least I do, and so do other people I know in person. And you can try to run away from the heart pain (bad move), or "confront" it, whatever that really means. I feel like "confronting" for most people ends up just being, like, throwing a tantrum so the emotional release tricks you into thinking you've actually resolved something. Making a mess out of situations that don't need to be messed. Does that make sense? I think actual confrontation is less about aggression and more about stillness. Which brings me to The Go-To List.

The Go To List is what it sounds like. When you're sad, you've got some jazz that you Go To. Stuff that makes you laugh or brings the world back into focus, returns some much needed perspective to your deal. Stuff that you organically, passionately dig, stuff that makes you happy no matter what. And the whole time you're watching/listening/reading, you acknowledge you're upset about something-- you just sit with it, observe it happening to you, don't freak out or anything. Don't make it more than it needs to be, but don't minimize it, either. Just feel it as it is. Take those feelings 10 minutes at a time. And while you're taking those feelings 10 minutes at a time, keep yourself sane with a Go To.

Here's my list of Go To stuff, in case you need inspiration/a template. I have put the General Mood in parentheses so nobody ends up watching some heavy/real shit when they were hoping for something light.

1. Black Sheep Music Video from Scott Pilgrim. (light)
2. Hurling Crowbirds at Mockingbars, by Buddy Wakefield. (heavy)
3. Marceline The Vampire Queen. (light)
4. This is Water, by David Foster Wallace. (heavy as fuck)
5. Lorde singing Buzzcut Season. (light)
6. Coke Money, by Natasha Leggero. (light)
7. Anything involving Anna Kendrick. (light)
8. You Should Date an Illiterate Girl, by Charles Warnke. (heavy)
9. Girl Walk All Day, Especially Part 3. (light)
10. Solo Valentine's Day, by Megan Amram. (light)
11. Leslie Knope Complimenting Anne Perkins. (light)
12. Left Brain Right Brain, by Bo Burnham. (light-ish?)
13. Literally any song by James Blake. (JAMES BLAKE)
14. That one scene in Jennifer's Body. (light)
15. Hartbig. (light/go watch DailyGrace)
16. Really innovative drag routines. (hot)
17. Grimes Performing Live on KEXP. (light)
18. Valentine, by Jessie Ware & Sampha. (light)
19. Lesbian Disney Princesses. (I mean)
20. Music Video for Latch by Disclosure. (ADORABLE)


Don't you guys feel better now? I feel WAY better after making that list. I feel like $27 bucks! Before I felt like, 43 pennies. The Internet is a magical resource.

When you're sad, go to the art you love. It will remind you who you are-- it'll take you out of that weird ass space you got yourself in and back to the space where you know what you want and where you're going, even if it's just a vague feeling, an unidentifiable force. What you really care about will get you through.

The 21st Go To is the new Kitty song, because Kitty.


Wednesday, March 12, 2014

I will not manipulate others into caring about me or finding me interesting, especially through desperate displays of pretend-apathy, pretend-despair, pretend-anger, passive aggression, or sexual appetite.

I will not distrust the deep breath.

I will not swallow the uncomfortable feelings, but rather stare at them in the face as they pass through me. I know I will be the last one standing.

I will not reduce my revelations to cliches I learned to be truth as a child. I will figure out my world for myself.

I will abandon all preconceived notions about what makes a good, successful, or happy life. I will fuck all and believe in my own internal navigation system. If I get lost, I will have gotten myself lost. I refuse to feel the shame and the weakness that comes with backing the wrong horse in someone else's race.

I will not hate myself for my inclination towards self criticism. I know I am better for taking a magnifying glass to my flaws. I am proud to be observant, and thoughtful.

I will not overcompensate for my inclination towards self criticism with giving myself a free pass when I do not deserve it. Free passes are for Monopoly or some shit maybe.

Does anyone even play Monopoly anymore? Shoot, Apple ruined everything for the board game world.

I will not idealize my inclination towards self criticism, or criticism in general. I must balance this out with a healthy dose of perspective and unbiased appreciation for all things, even my own stupid ass. God knows I suck sometimes, but I'm convinced I've got a good heart, and great hair.

I will always overdo it with the kisses, because kisses cannot be overdone. I will not apologize for craving such honest communication with another person. Lips don't lie, BEEOTH.

I will not apologize for deliberately writing BEEOTH on my blog, that everyone knows is mine, that all my peers read.

I will work every day to enjoy my life without the help of sugar highs, alcohol, drugs, mindless lust, unprecedented doses of the blue pill, binge eating Doritos, and binge use of SnapChat and Twitter.

I will write more often, because that's supposed to be my thing so what.

I will keep my parents' wishes for my life in mind, and hope it leads me away from idiotic shit.

I will redefine love, and make the word my own, because nobody knows what it means anymore and I want it to hold weight again.

I will seek out adventure, that which terrifies me, discomfort, something new, blah blah blah I'll add more to this later LET'S GO TO NEW YORK

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Compel You.

It's easy to see that I am not really a writer if you look at my best work. My best work always comes after I have just read something particularly inspiring or well-done-- I begin to adopt the author's turn of phrases, their ideas, their rhythm of speech. Unprompted by what others have created, I do not have much to offer. I can't help but wonder if this is true for every great author, or maybe just the doomed to be mediocre ones, but when I go to write, everything in me screams "turn back."

I also write better when I am writing letters. I was never able to keep a diary as a child, or, when I did, I always ended up showing someone else its contents. What was the point of writing if no one ever read it? I seek only to connect, to see myself ringing out in others. I recognize the inherent vanity of this but nowadays I recognize the inherent vanity in everything I do. Nothing is powered by truly selfless action. Can any act put out by a "self" be selfless, anyway? Even the seemingly most generous and thankless offerings can be traced back to some sort of selfish pay off. It feels good to be a good person-- it's comforting. Are the compassionate really any better than us, or do they just have more complicated disguises? Are we conditioned to esteem these people because subservience is the goal when it comes to society at large? When you spend your whole life helping others, you hardly have time to spend helping yourself.

After a time of helping yourself, you start to see the futility of most of your relationships. Isn't this trivial, the way we retrace our days in coffee shops, in restaurants, over a lunch that someone else prepared? A lunch that someone else prepared so that we have time to talk meaninglessly with someone we feel only obligated to spend time with, because after a while, that's what you do for your longtime friends, even though you have ceased to learn from each other. There are of course rare exceptions to this rule-- Sometimes you meet a person whose existence alone is a forever lesson in goodness, in achieving clarity, in accomplishment, in recognizing beauty and happiness. These people are streams of that energy we all can't talk about but know to crave, they are the reason to abandon comfort and simplicity, they are what you're looking for in every drink, drug, and daydream. But these people, at least the people who do that for me, are careful with themselves- they hide away, they focus on their work, and are thus so hard to find.

Mostly, we deal with those without this energy about them. The robots, the author referred to them as. Unthinking, terrifying, a direct threat to our goal, obliviously tying us down so we can continue to fulfill the needs that any warm body can fill-- a lunch date, flowers at the graduation, holding hands and brief, mindless kisses (To be honest, 'oblivious' is only an assumption, or a hope, because I don't want to live in a world where the so-called robots object to our development knowingly, actively).

I am becoming increasingly aware of the distinction between those that enrich and inspire me, and those that are quietly stripping me of my time on this earth, time I could (should) be using to seek out the former. But I am also prone to severe loneliness, the crippling kind that won't let me get out of bed much less realize my dreams, so I have many friends, I do my best to see them when I can, because otherwise, I'm afraid I wouldn't accomplish much of anything.

I suppose the greater fear is that, with the proper isolation and commitment to the cause, I would be a whole lot closer to the person I want to be-- that the bulldozer ache of self-loathing would begin to erode. Erode in a way I imagine that is similar to the way your concern with living honestly starts to erode once you drown it out with constant company.

She is careful to keep her distance from me, which at first made me feel uncomfortable and insecure (I have this intense appetite for a permanent validation, despite knowing this is impossible to attain and immoral to expect from any one person, the feeling persists) but now only serves to multiply my adoration, make it heavier, with more dimensions. I have grown more comfortable (as comfortable you can get, I suppose) with missing her, but it only adds weight to our every reunion. When I get to see her again after being gone for a number of days, it is still the first time, it is a different life beginning, it is a night finally conceived, and made real. I smile to myself, at the thought that her commitment to her individuality will maintain the freshness of each new encounter, the urgency of each new kiss.

It is a happy arrangement, we have, because it allows for me to indulge in that ever-necessary alone time in which all my most vital growth and thought occur. I choose (and proudly so) to struggle with myself, to take a magnifying glass to my flaws the way no one else would, except for maybe a passionate lover, because goddammit, I want to love myself passionately. I am passionate, about this-- about being ruthlessly myself, about seeing the world through a specific and nuanced lens. I don't want to be just okay with being alone, I want to love it, to look forward to solitude. I guess that technically, I do look forward to uninterrupted Saturdays, lost (but not really) to the unseen paradises and hells existing in the mind, but after a while, there is a sour taste, a visible rot, a stinging urge to run into the arms of any kind stranger who might be willing to listen, to give a hug, anything to confirm that I am alive and not repulsive, in all senses of the term.

Though I worry constantly about not spending enough time alone, and sacrificing too much of myself to people who don't deserve it, who could replace me with anybody, I cannot mistake that I feel my life rolling slowly towards a wall, and that wall can only be broken through-- I know, for better or worse, I will one day be granted this extensively permeating isolation, that I will cry and scream in my bed for hours, that I will write a lot of bad poetry, that I will make terrible decisions purely out of fear of being lost to obscurity, but it will all be in the name of a cause I really believe in: namely, maximum awareness, feeling fully felt, an honest attempt made to identify the world, and what makes it a good place. Growth, maturation, this is all we have to care about, all the most thoughtful of us will consistently strive for-- The only god I have is the god I am trying to become.

Initially I thought this would be a letter to her (and it is, it always is, do you agree with what I've said?) but it ended up as a letter to everyone, as most of these blog posts do. This is actually the most personal I've ever gotten on here. I hope you got something out of it.



Tuesday, March 4, 2014

On Assholes.

There is a concrete, unmistakeable moment, when you realize that someone you concretely, unmistakably love-- be it a romantic partner, family member, friend, mentor, what have you-- is an asshole.

And then, shortly after that, you must reconcile with the fact that somehow, some way, you have allowed yourself to become really really invested. In a person that is, more than anything else, an asshole.
Not to say that that person is *just an asshole*. They are probably a lot of other really great things too. They are probably smart and funny and maybe even sexy, on some terrible unseen level, and they are probably nice to strangers and listen to cool music. Maybe they even have healthy, balanced relationships, where the give and take is equal, and the other dude in the relationship genuinely has no complaints.
This is why it is so hard to realize this person is an asshole. Because they are never *just an asshole*. But they are ~*~an asshole first~*~, or, even worse, ~*~just an asshole to you~*~.
Unfortunately, when it comes to other people, it doesn’t matter if the asshole in question treats his mother like a queen, or if she is the best dog owner the west coast has ever known. It only matters how the asshole treats you. And if the asshole treats you in an asshole manner, you have to accept that at face value, and respond accordingly. All the other nice shit has to drop away.
It’s an easy mistake, getting really invested in an asshole, someone who makes you feel like you are less, like you are unworthy of the love you are so prepared to give, like your best should be returned with their least. We must forgive each other such slip-ups. I suppose, though, we must hold each other accountable for weeding out the assholes just as soon as they reveal their assholery to us. Because if we don’t weed them out, we are inflicting pain on ourselves, at that point.
Think of it this way: Do you love everyone in the world? Well, you should, because people. I think everyone in the world deserves basic respect, a quiet, human love. So when anyone in the world inflicts pain upon themselves, they are hurting someone you love, automatically, no doubt about it. Now. What is your response when someone is hurting someone you love? Totally freak out and try to change the situation, that’s what is.
So, everyone: You gotta get rid of the assholes. You gotta be alone before you be abused. Feed yourself love until you find somebody steady enough to hold a spoon, because there are a lot of fucking people who are spilling their shit all over the place and giving nice people third degree burns because they CANNOT STEADY THEIR SHIT.

I think a big part of why people let the assholes stick around is because they are lonely. Better to have an asshole than no one, right? WRONG. NO. DON'T DO THAT. DON'T. We could all stand a little more alone time. We could all stand to learn about ourselves in depth and become comfortable with solitude. Let your self esteem come from knowing that you are holding out for a not asshole. Being alone can be an empowering force as easily as it can be a crippling one.
Real, deep love is never wrong. It’s okay that you really deeply loved an asshole. And maybe they won’t be such an asshole, someday, in another life, however you need to think about it. But ain’t nobody got time for that. There are people out there right now who are smart and funny and sexy and listen to cool music, and they ARE NOT assholes-- But they are careful with themselves, and so you must look hard for them. You must not settle or give up. Don’t ruin yourself over some asshole. They are the ones who made the mistake of being an asshole, or letting themselves do asshole-ish things, because not caring, and ignorance? That’s being an asshole, too.
When it comes to the people you are close to, be conscious. Be observant. Be thoughtful. Anticipate needs. Go out of your way. If you do those things, great, you’re worth it. If you don’t, you may be in danger of being an asshole. Reassess. Assholeness is not terminal unless you want it to be.

Disclaimer #1: This isn't some sort of calling out tactic, there is no intended audience right now. This is just something I've been thinking about, for a long time, and have especially had to think about a lot in the past, when trying to decide how to spend my energy and who to invest in. I hope it doesn't come off as whiny or ungrateful or crazy. I love all you guys, for real.

Disclaimer #1.5: Sometimes, the asshole that needed to be removed has been me.

Disclaimer #2: SOMETIMES people aren't assholes. Maybe you're just in a bad mood/spot in your life. Think critically, reader. Look for PATTERNS OF ASSHOLERY. Look for chronic asshole treatment. You'll know an asshole when you see one, because once you see a true asshole, you can't unsee it.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

How To Happy Depression.

First order of business: Usually I don't talk about this stuff, but as of today, this blog has gotten 70,000 views. I wanted to take a moment to say thank you to everyone who has read in the past and to those who are still reading. I'm so glad people have gotten something out of my stories and ideas. I want to hug every single one of your faces.

All right, now the real biz. You ready? I'm just gonna jump right into this.

I talk about my depression a lot on here, but I do feel justified in doing so because it's been a problem for me for a long time. I also feel justified in talking about it because, generally speaking, nobody else is. This is a real problem that keeps people from living the lives they want to. There is so much I want to do with my life that I physically can't because my depression gets in the way. However, increasingly, I can say, there is so much I have accomplished in spite of my depression because I have implemented several battle tactics to combat its symptoms.

I am a firm believer that my depression has allowed me to more fully appreciate my life, to engage in my relationships more meaningfully, and evaluate the worth of my choices more clearly. I wouldn't change it. Nevertheless, depression can only be so helpful-- if you aren't careful, you'll end up completely jaded/apathetic/desperate/dead/forever wishing you were dead/crying to a lot of sad minimalist house music in your bed on a Saturday afternoon when you should be outside throwing a frisbee or some shit.

Having depression is like having a dog. You have to pet it, sometimes, tell him he's a good boy, give him a treat in the form of binge watching New Girl and eating Hot Cheetos, as ya do. But you also have to clean up after it, take it to the vet when it gets sick, or bites the neighborkid. Below are some tips for how to live happily with your depression. Yes, I recognize the paradox, kindly go fuck yourself somewhere less in view.

1. Preparation.
If you're like me, your depression makes it hard for you to get out of your room, and sometimes, even out of your bed. Of course, you eventually will get out of bed, but not until after you've lost a solid 6 hours looking for patterns in the ceiling tiles. This is probably not what accomplishing our most wonderful and meaningful dreams looks like. So, what I like to do is, when I have managed to get myself out and about, is buy some food that I can keep in the room that won't go bad and doesn't really need to be prepared. My go-to is usually the Balance Bar. Fuck Balance Bars man, but they get the job done. Other options could range anywhere from bagels to cereal to leftover pizza you can pop in the microwave.

When you have depression, you need energy and focus to fight against it. The best way to get energy and focus is through nutritious meals. If need be, keep a stack of Balance Bars under your bed, so if you start feeling particularly bad, you can just fling an arm down and grab your sustenance that way. It could be the thing you need to push you over the edge of the WILL I MOVE TODAY cliff.

2. Realism.
This is a trick I stole recently from one of my several beautiful good friend/ex-girlfriend hybrids. She told me that, at the beginning of the day, instead of thinking about the different things I need to/have to do, I should just pick one thing to focus on at a time. Like, okay, right now? I'm getting out of bed. No, wait, that's too much-- I'm gonna SIT UP in my bed. And see how that feels. If I don't dig it, that's okay, I can lie back down again, try again later maybe. But let's say I do sit up, and I feel okay. I take a minute, and then, boom, I decide I'm gonna try standing in the middle of the room, see how that goes, knowing at any time, it's okay if I go back to bed. It's okay if I fail. Don't let your idealistic image of yourself get in the way of accomplishing real shit right now, no matter how far off the mark you land.

The key to this is treating yourself with patience and compassion. You are not a machine. You are a person. You deserve to be treated gently by other humans, and what do you know? You're a human. You should treat yourself just as you would treat any other human. Maybe you won't get everything you need to done every single day of your life. But with this method, you will get some stuff done every day, I think. And a lot of times my depression makes sure I do literally nothing for several days in a row.

I know some of this stuff may seem tedious to people who do not suffer from mental disorder of any kind. But I can assure you that hard work is the most rewarding thing we've got in this world, besides, of course, ?!?!?! you guessed it, realized happiness, genuine mental health.

3. Slow Your Roll, Sarah Lee.
It's important to take care of yourself. But sometimes when you have depression, you can lose sight of the best way to go about doing it. I have ruined relationships of all kinds because I blamed them for my depressive episodes. Before you get mad at someone for the way they're acting, or cut someone out of your life, take a day to think about what that person gives (and takes) from you, then decide how to act. Desperation is never the answer to any problem, if you want the problem to be solved intelligently. I know it's easy to get all self-righteous and empowered, but these intense feelings of LIFE SHOULD BE LIKE THIS can lead you astray and ultimately leave you feeling more alone and unhappy than you did before, because you just made a rash decision regarding something or someone you've been invested in.

You have depression. The people in your life do not have depression, or if they do, it's not YOUR depression. It is your responsibility and privilege to know yourself as best you can. You must be patient with yourself and others, because depression does make it hard to deal with other people sometimes. On the other hand, I think having solid, honest relationships with other people is the #1 most effective means of keeping depressive freakouts at bay. Know when you've got a dude that's worth keeping and know when you need to get some space from an unhealthy social environment. You'll figure it out, I believe in you.

4. Yo Hot Body.
I know that when I'm taking care of myself physically, I'm taking care of myself emotionally. It indicates to my brain that I matter-- Loading up your body with junk food and intoxicants is a good way to tell yourself, "I don't care what happens to me, I just want a quick fix, I feel lazy, I don't want to think too hard, I'm bored" and so on. YOU DO NOT WANT THIS MESSAGE FLOATING AROUND IN YOUR MIND-LAYBLE. The message you should be sending yourself is, "I care about my physical and emotional well-being. I want to be present in my life. I need focus and energy to be fully here and accomplish the goals I've so painstakingly laid out for myself. I need to show up every day to be worthy of those goals. Sometimes broccoli tastes good. Maybe that fourth beer isn't super necessary to my world today."

Eat three good meals a day. Two if you're a morning Balance Bar fiend now (Welcome!). Drink water every few hours at least. Exercise when you can. Have safe sex if it's not gonna fuck your heart up and has been made available to you by a consenting partner. Sleep 8 hours a night. Get some sun or take vitamins. I take a women's multivitamin and a fish oil supplement every day now, and it really has helped. HEALTH CAN BE FUN. ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE OCD, IT'S SO FUN TO HAVE A TASK

5. GET OUT YO HEAD
Sometimes, you've gotta take the blue pill. You need a break from yourself. I mean, you're with yourself ALL THE TIME, you deserve a lunch hour. So set aside a little time each day to power down.  This could be some light reading, watching cartoons, having mindless day sex with a stranger, inflating some balloons and leaving them in your shower for your roommate to find, stealing a pug from your local dog park then bringing it back an hour later with a bow tie around its neck, singing a song, yOU NAME IT, JUST DO IT.

Just. Be careful not to take the blue pill all the time. You don't want to escape from yourself entirely. We're trying to get to a place where we can love ourselves and accomplish what we need to. We are not trying to check out or give up. We want to be engaged. These recesses from reality are always meant to service our ability and willingness to engage with the world around us, and get to our dreams.

6. YO!
Hi. My name is Emma, and I struggle with depression. I know there are others out there like me. Talk to people who also struggle with brain problemz and share strategies. PROBABLY DON'T wallow in self-pity together. We all do enough of that as it is. But sometimes it helps to talk to someone who gets it. It can remind you you're not alone, and, if they're a bright bulb, it can inspire you to look at your situation differently, and employ more effective coping mechanisms. One of my ex-girlfriends had this thing on her Facebook quotes for a long time. I don't actually know what it's from, but it said something like, "I started smiling, because YOU were smiling, and we'reallinthistogether," with the words all bunched up like that at the end. And she was right. Good vibes are contagious, and at the end, we're all in this together, bunched up and in close quarters, whether we want to admit it or not.

I may do a part two to this post, but for now I'm gonna leave it. I hope you've gotten something out of what I said and won't hesitate to tell me if you have any comments/questions/concerns. Well, I've gotta go take a straight girl to see The Vagina Monologues. Happy depression-ing!



Thursday, February 20, 2014

Ambivaleeeeefkdgjdfalg

Hey reader. It's been a minute. I sort of broke my promise to myself, the one about blogging once every two days, but. There's part of me that's glad I couldn't commit to blogging so consistently?

One of my old therapists used to talk to me a lot about ambivalence-- Namely, that I have it, so hard. Or, that I am ambivalent, about mostly everything. Let me show you what I mean:

I like blogging because when I talk to people in person, I don't feel like I'm expressing myself correctly. I expect this is due to my various and complicated issues I have with my physical body (more on that later/forever). When I blog, though, I can post it on Facebook, the people I know can read it, and subsequently know what I'm thinking about. They can know that I think about things at all, for once-- That I have opinions and cares in which I am confident, that I can be funny, that we may have something in common. You'd never know that, though, from the typical stuttering bullshit that spews from my mouth on a daily basis.

I don't like blogging for the same reason I do like blogging-- It exposes me. I feel ambivalent about my inclination to expose-- not just me, but everyone. I am quickly bored by dishonesty in others, and hateful of dishonesty in myself, so I am constantly trying to expose the truth, even if that truth is some meaningless random thing, like, "THE TRUTH IS, YOU HATE THE CABBAGE I'VE PREPARED, JUST FUCKING SAY IT" or something along those lines. Now, I do generally follow the unspoken laws of society, and probably wouldn't approach exposing the truth in such a manner, but I WOULD, if I could have it my way. Who has the time for unnecessary politeness? Simple manners are one thing, but enduring needless falsities are another, and this dude will not abide.

But exposure is scary. There's no buffer zone-- Whatever happens next is gonna be real. It raises the stakes. Ideally, the stakes should always be raised, in my mind, because life should be exciting, but when things don't go well, there's a part of me that wishes I would've shut the fuck up. Why couldn't I just keep quiet? Then they wouldn't know that I wear the same clothes two days in a row, and everything would have been FINE.

I'm ambivalent about being truly known. It's nice to feel understood, but horrible to feel misunderstood-- to be misunderstood is far lonelier than supplying nothing for others to understand. Which is why I am both happy and sad I haven't blogged in like a week.

Also I don't like blogging because blogging is just a weird stupid word that I hate.

Other things I'm ambivalent about include: going to college, drinking alcohol, living in a city, casual sex, jeggings, my gray Northface boots, the fact I still sleep with a stuffed animal, my face, my body, and being ambivalent.

I hope this made sense but it probably didn't. I didn't read it over to see if it made sense. LOCK AND LOAD, I GUESS. Listen to the acoustic version of Grown Woman by Beyonce right now if you want to feel powerful. Two things I do not feel ambivalent about are Adventure Time and Beyonce.