Yom Kippur happened a while ago. I was going through a hard time then, too. I decided it was time to get in touch with my tenuous Jewish roots, and would fast all day, to try to make some sort of meaningful contact with myself or with God or whatever. I also had conveniently run out of food, and couldn't really afford to go to the grocery store, so in my mind, everything was working out. That day, I missed class; I walked around campus until I started to feel weak. At one point, I found a little blue Jewish tent outside of our school's chapel. I forget what these are called (see: tenuous Jewish roots), but it is not a huppah, probably. I stood inside the little Jewish tent and felt vaguely comforted by what I figured was religion. Then I walked home and laid in my bed watching Orphan Black until my anxiety overcame me. At around 4, I allowed myself to eat a piece of bread.
After eating this piece of bread, I decided to read a little bit more about Yom Kippur, to see if I could get even further in touch with the Jewish spirits. Upon Googling 'Yom Kippur,' I realized that Yom Kippur had happened two days ago, making mine an ordinary fast, rather than a specifically Jewish holiday sanctioned fast.
My friend Katy succinctly described the meaning of Mercury being in retrograde as "you can't talk to anyone." Apparently, it's a time of phones being disconnected and intentions being misconstrued; you say you've started to date someone Icelandic, I hear you've been carting crates of banana hammocks. I have been telling myself, during the last week especially, that once February 18th comes, maybe I'll feel a little less out of touch with the universe. I've never been one to put much stock in the rotation of planets, or in any singular belief system, but I've thought about Mercury being in retrograde a lot these past few weeks. Somehow, keeping that information to myself felt worse.
Now that I think about it, February 11th through February 17th have been some of the hardest days I've had in a while, and much of the conflicts have been based on miscommunications. Someone broke a personal boundary that I didn't make clear existed; another person I had hoped would want to talk to me today power-walked in the other direction. SOME FUCKING RANDOM NUMBER WITH A 201 AREA CODE WILL NOT STOP CALLING MY PHONE. ANONYMOUS CALLER. WHO ARE YOU AND WHY DO YOU NEED ME. I HAVE NO ANSWERS FOR YOU, ONLY TEARS.
That planet must be retrograding so hard right now, I kept thinking to myself. If only I can make it to February 18th.
In less than an hour, Mercury will continue to be in not-retrograde. Attempts at true communication will continue to prove futile. I will still not feel confident explaining what the word 'retrograde' actually means. As a consolation prize, all following songs have the word 'retrograde' in them. Hopefully Ash Wednesday will cleanse us of our sins.