According to various Internet, coconut oil may make your acne worse before it makes your acne better. Two months into the post breakup depression that is my January seemed like the most obvious time to try such a daring feat. If I'm gonna feel disgusting for a noble cause that will benefit my future at large, I may as well look disgusting for a noble cause that will benefit my future at large. Does this mean I will approach February with renewed self-esteem and consistent skin tone? Only the coconut oil gods decide.
Right now my face feels oily (spoilers), and I can't shake the sense I've covered myself in lube, which only serves to further emphasize my loneliness, because lube, right? Lubricant. To move more easily, more fluidly. I'm not trying to move. I'm just trying to sit... and... heeeeeaaaaaalllllllll...
My roommate used coconut oil to shave her legs earlier. Apparently coconut oil can be used for that too. I would like to rub coconut oil on all the doorknobs in my house and, rather than making them slippery, see if the oil cleans the doorknobs of rust and somehow makes them easier to use.
Most Internets advise eating coconut oil directly, by cooking with it or putting it in your coffee. A lot of Internets swear by eating it raw, or "off the spoon," when they're in need of a burst of energy, or an extraordinary bowel movement. Several members of the coconut oil acne justice league insist that the best acne treatment requires both topical application and ingestion of coconut oil to achieve desired facial results. My roommate says I should put it on my toast, that she knows people who have tried to eat coconut oil on its own and that it was not good, but I have this unnameable impulse to eat it "off the spoon." I need my coconut oil straight to the dome. I don't want any edible hangers-on. I don't want no scrubs. A SCRUB IS A GUY--
All in all, I'm confident that coconut oil can solve all my problems, personal or otherwise. This necessarily includes the problems of the entire global population, since I consider any problem of the human race my problem, and because separation of individuals is an illusion. Our consistent impulses towards reification are keeping us from experiencing life in any sort of authentic or meaningful way. Though we do need reification to survive and participate in the external world, it remains that I DON'T WANT NO SCRUBS. A SCRUB IS A GUY WHO CAN'T GET NO LOVE FROM ME.